Brunetaholic Notes

I have been in a state of melancholy for the past year; not a constant one. It consists of relapses, like an addict trying to overcome and tumbles over time and again. My mind has been a blank canvas and many times, I have tried to paint colors into it but I have been numbed and muted. At night, I have tried counting blessings and sheeps, interchangeably and sequentially and con-currently so that I can get a peaceful sleep. Sometimes, it works. Other times, I just fall asleep.

The thing about anything that keeps you up at night is that you try so hard to get closure and you can’t. You just go around in circles. You talk about it to get temporary relief, but there is no closure and you keep going back to square one.

Today, it just came to my mind that I want to see a sea of sunflowers. I want to walk into the yellow sea and turn into a butterfly. You know, like in the animated clips on television, where you can be anything and go nowhere in particular and die in the span of a minute. I was listening to a playlist then and just as I was daydreaming about this strange vision, the voice of Dave Matthews came on and he said:

Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers
To questions under the stars?
Well, if along the way
You are grown weary
You can rest with me until
A brighter day and you’re okay

And, I fell into an even deeper melancholy. That happens when truth strikes bull’s eye.

I still want to walk in that sea of sunflowers and turn into a butterfly. I will do it tonight and as a butterfly I will fly in the direction of the sun. As the exhaustion kills myself the butterfly, it will send me deep into sleep.

Jakarta, Aug 18, 2011

It’s been a while since I met that little boy Gerrardo who was so cute I fell in love instantly. And when times get tough at work, I always remember him. People want different things to look forward to after work. Some sports, some parties, some boyfriends or girlfriends, some family. And some, like me, a child.

I like what I do, but like food, there are parts that you don’t like and you just separate them and put them on one side of the plate and don’t eat them. And sometimes, when the going gets a little tough, I start to question myself if I really want to pursue all this. The corporate world is a sea of egos, mine included. And sometimes it makes me sick, so sick of it at times and then I think about Gerrardo.

It is always a good feeling to achieve and accomplish something. But, what does that mean really? It only means something when it’s shared. It only means anything at all when you do it not just for yourself, but for the people you love.

Well, I’m gonna try to enjoy the weekend the best I could now.